I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
