My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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