The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize