Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
