im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
