YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
