i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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