There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
