i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize