look no pants
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
