she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
