Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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