Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize