I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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