We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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