it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
