At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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