apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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