im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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