Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
