hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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