I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Who died my cat blue again?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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