Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
