ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
