If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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