Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
