my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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