I feel great
I just peed on a car
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
