I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
