I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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