I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
