woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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