Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
