Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize