im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
