i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
