I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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