i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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