We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
