You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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