Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
