I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
