Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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