i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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