Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
