3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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