i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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