my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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