Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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