I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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