Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
