If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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