Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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