Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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