i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
