She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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