Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Please, let me fuck your mom
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Randomize
