I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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