I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
dude. I can hear the air.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
