i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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