Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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