I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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