Don't make out with my wife yet
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
